Friday, November 19, 2010

Songs That Almost Make Me Hate Christmas

As of this morning, WASH FM is now playing non-stop Christmas through the end of the year. In honor of this occasion, I would like to share what I consider to be the worst Christmas songs. Proceed with caution, for just reading about some of these could cause your ears to bleed.

Feel free to list all the Christmas songs that drive you nuts in the comments section.

NOTE: Several people mentioned that they hadn't heard some of these songs, so I have added the songs here.

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time - Sir Paul McCartney once again proving himself to be the weakest Beatle.



Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (Bruce Spingsteen) - Ok, Bruce, you will never make a Christmas song rock and roll, and your attempt to do so in this song is just embarrassing for you, for me, for everyone listening... even more embarrassing than your desire to make New Jersey seem like anything other than the terrible state it is. Seriously, we could all get to New York much more quickly if it wasn't in the way.



Santa Baby (Madonna) – The original by Eartha Kitt (hey, she was Catwoman!) is a campy classic. This update by Madonna? Not so much.



Do They Know it's Christmas Time at All - My favorite lyric has to be "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas, the greatest gift they'll have this year is life." Yeah, we evil snow-hogging Americans don't even know how good we have it. Listen, Misters Geldof and Bono, I don't think the lack of snow is really an indication Western indifference toward third-world suffering so much as it is a result of geography and climate. And by the way, there probably also won't be snow in Arizona, New Mexico or Texas this year, either. Where's your song for them?!



Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer - For some reason this song conjures images of potbellied slobs rocking nasty old wifebeaters while chugging Natty Lite and stuffing their mouths with Cheesey Poofs in their trailers.


Where Are You Christmas (Faith Hill) - Have you listened to the lyrics? Who wrote this? A crap song from a crap movie, made worse by how earnest Faith sounds trying to make it a powerful song. Faith, you deserve better.



O Holy Night (Celine Dion) – Thanks for taking one of the most beautiful Christmas songs ever and destroying it with your bleating, you Canadian, goat-sounding,  jerk.



Auld Lang Syne - I don't even have words. Shame on you, Dan Fogelberg. Shame on you. Nothing says the holidays like drinking a six pack in a car with  your old girlfriend before driving. Happy holidays.


Christmas Eve in Washington - I vomited 4 times just trying to type the name of this song.  Daddy says every time this song plays, an angel loses its wings.



Christmas Shoes - Nothing says "Christmas" like a choir of kids singing back up for some d-bag with an awful voice and even worse song-writing abilities who thinks the true meaning of Christmas is spending your allowance to make sure your mom has some sweet new kicks to wear in her coffin.



Honorable Mention: Anything by Gloria Estefan. She’s the worst.

Happy Friday!

2 comments:

  1. I would add "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Klaus." I can't think of a worse concept for a song than taking one of the pure joys of childhood and crushing it with maternal adultery. Good work, Tommie Connor. I'm glad no one knows who you are.

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  2. Just don't say you hate "Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas"...how can John Denver be wrong?? :)

    Listened to Charlie Brown Christmas earlier today and thought of you!

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